Sweet Zone

 

I’m thinking… there’s a sweet zone too between a relationship - 
that is ‘too easy’ and ‘too difficult’ for my (our) present experience too.
 
I remember a point thinking “Heavenly Father knows how to love difficult people…”
And feeling like “I want to learn how to love more of the difficult people of this world.”
I guess that’s what I’ve spent many decades learning.
(And… a good question to ask myself is…
“to what extent am I one of the difficult people of the world???!!!”)
 
That reminds me of a poster my sister and I had on the back of our bedroom door.
“It’s easy enough to be pleasant
When life goes by with a song.
But the man worthwhile
Is the one who can smile
When everything goes dead wrong.”
 
I want to become one of those who has learnt to smile "when everything goes dead wrong."
 
Last evening we had a “Finding Strength in the Lord -  Emotional Resilience” class at the chapel.
This is a ‘new’ or ‘new to me’ course in the Self Reliance section of the Gospel Library.
I asked to be a part of it to ‘see what it is like’ in relation to all that I have studied.
It is a very useful tool I think.
 
Anyway, in the discussion number 8 about ‘Communication and Relationships’
I thought of my learning gradually over many years to discern between
What is my problem – In what ways “Am I too tough?" …"too tender?”
What is your problem – In what ways do I see you as "too tough?"  …"too tender?"
Which of us needs to work on which?
 
In truth, I think we all need to work on both…
And then there are the extremes when
“Actually, this is not so much about me being inadequate, disordered,
there’s actually something more inadequate, disordered about you.”
 
And then I need to learn how to deal with it.
Or deliberately disengage – for my good, for your good, for our children’s good…
 
And if I need to learn how to deal with the challenges I can see, here,
I’m going to have to learn a whole lot more than I know now!
And how do I learn it?  Where is the knowledge I need?
Who can help me find it, and learn what I need to learn?
 
I’ve lain awake this middle of the night thinking about
personality disorders and character disorders.
Personality weaknesses and character weaknesses.
 
As I understand it now...

Character weaknesses and disorders result from neglect in the first nine months of life.
Personality weaknesses and disorders come about from neglect in the first two years of life.
There are critical lessons we need to learn in those time periods…
If we’re not able to learn them in that time, in a sense we are 'handicapped.'
And if we couldn’t learn those lessons in the first two years of life, it’s not actually our fault…
 
But as we become legally accountable adults, (over 18) we have the responsibility of dealing with learning what we lacked in our earlier years.
 
We need to take emotional remedial action - because we are actually, fundamentally, spiritually, emotionally and socially handicapped! (And legally liable for our behaviour...)
 
And just because we’re handicapped, doesn’t mean we ought not to do whatever we can
to be as mentally and emotionally resilient and easy to live with as possible.
 
That’s not easy to identify, admit, and remedy!
We’ll always have to watch ourselves, and our thoughts and our actions - 
Protect our handicapped selves from predators,
and guard ourselves so we don’t become predators of other vulnerable ones around us.

All functional adults know they need to watch themselves, their thoughts, words and actions...
 
Actually… We’re all vulnerable in some way or another I’m thinking…
Am I inclined to be too trusting, or not trusting enough?
 
So… we each have to learn “Do I need to trust more people, more often?
Or do I need to trust more people around me less often?”
Or any combination of those…
 
So in a sense, the seemingly advantaged among us are disadvantaged in some ways (too trusting,)
And the seemingly disadvantaged are advantaged in some ways (not trusting enough.)
We all need to trust wisely and appropriately, and distrust wisely and appropriately.
 
That makes me think…
We all need to learn and do what is appropriate in any given situation and relationship,
what is flexible enough,
and problem solving
in our personal and relational circumstances from day to day.
 
That’s quite a mature feat!
And… each of us can’t be more mature than we’ve had opportunity to be at any given time!
You can’t know yet at twenty what you’ll be able to know at forty or sixty!
And some of us will never be able to know and do what we actually need to know and do…
 
So… the conclusion of our lesson last night…
Charity…
Charity for others… and ourselves too I’m thinking…
And compassion for others… and ourselves too…
As we learn about ourselves, and the others in our lives…
Taking many closer and more distant variables into consideration…
 
And learning, learning, learning... what we don’t know yet, and need to know…
And then learning what we need to know, and learning how to apply it…
 
Along the way we discover what is appropriate in our unique personal and relational circumstances -
We discover what is flexible enough, and also discover what is not too flexible
(because too flexible and not flexible enough are both adding to the problem
instead of problem solving)
 
What a Divine Education!
“Divine Tutoring” and a  “Custom Designed Curriculum”  Elder Neal A Maxwell called it…
 
I’m a certain witness of being Taught From On High
when no earthly sources that I knew of were available to me.
And… I now see that I was being nudged towards the mission
that my patriarchal blessing outlines as one of mine – in His service,
and in the service of some of His children around me.
 
And now… having typed this all out…
Perhaps I’ll be able to sleep!
 
I hope this is some use to you, as it has been to me to order my thoughts and impressions.
 

Dealing With Aggressive People

 

by Vicky Webster and Martin Webster (Eds.) 

https://www.leadershipthoughts.com/5-tips-for-handling-aggressive-people-at-work/

 

Sometimes people react to difficult situations by being aggressive.

So, how do you deal with aggression? What’s the best approach?

 Stick with me, and I’ll show you how to deal with aggressive people at work …

 Aggression in any place and the workplace can be verbal or physical, such as shouting or banging the desk. People tend toward aggression when they get into conflict and want to defend their interests at the expense of others.

 

How to Deal With Aggressive People

The tree that bends in the wind survives the storm. The tree that stands firm and opposes the storm lays broken after. – Unknown

 Aggressive behaviour is destructive and needs to be handled directly and calmly. This requires courage, assertiveness, and a balanced ― emotionally intelligent ― approach to handling conflict.

 Here is a short list of simple tips for handling aggressive people.

 

1. Give Them Time to Cool Down
Aggressive behaviour can be frightening to you.
It’s also a good sign that the person you’re dealing with has lost self-control.
 
Therefore, give them time to cool down.
Choose another time to talk - when there is less going on.
Alternatively, change the location. Move into a meeting room or corridor.
 

2. Point them Out
Tell them directly and calmly “there’s no need to get angry.”
This simple statement is often enough for people to reflect on their behaviour and consider their option to calm down.
 

Recognise their feelings and show that you care:
“I understand you’re angry… Let’s work out what we’re going to do.”
 

3. Don’t Fight
Do not fight fire with fire. Never engage aggressive behaviour with more of the same since this will likely only act as a trigger for more aggression.
 
Instead, stay calm and let the noise pass over you, wash over you.
When it’s time to speak, do so calmly. In this way you are in control.
 
Your aim should always be a win-win situation.
 

4. Acknowledge What’s Important
Acknowledge important ideas or facts they convey, since this will help to diffuse their aggression, and help them possibly become more open to your ideas.
 
What’s more, acknowledging their ideas does not mean you agree with them.
Never give ground to someone who uses aggression.  Stand calmly.
 

5. Use Attention Grabbers
Use attention-grabbers to pave the way for better listening.
Present some new information to gain their attention.
For instance, state specific benefits, new ideas or something of interest that hasn’t been mentioned before.
Therefore, use plenty of coaching questions to clarify the situation.
For example:  What possibilities might exist that we haven’t thought of yet?
 
These buy time and take the sting out of the situation.
 

Deal With Aggressive People … Don’t Avoid Conflict!

Conflict between people is inevitable. Never avoid conflict.
Don’t attack or undermine others when standing up for something you want.
 
Aggressive people come from a position of “I’m okay, you’re not okay.”
 
When dealing with aggressive people, be fair, firm and friendly, assertive,
calmly stand your ground, say what you have to say – respectfully, respectably.
 
That takes courage and wisdom. 

It says: “I’m okay, and also, you’re okay.”
 

Edited by Judy Bray, April 2021

Sponge People

 

Those of Us Who Love TOO Much

This post is about adult relationships...

 

We sacrifice, and frequently suffer, for our children. 

We learn how to and put ourselves out for those who are amongst the weak and vulnerable of this world.

Are YOU loving more than YOU are able to love?

Then YOU are loving TOO MUCH for YOU.

Yes, we need to grow in loving...
We need to learn how to love better...
This takes time - much time.
And we need to be authentic too...
We simply cannot sustain loving TOO much - for us, and/or for the person we are loving.
We will burn out and become bitter, blaming, ineffective and harming - to ourselves and the other/others..

 

*********************************************************************************************************

 

Is "having someone to love” the most important thing to you?

Is loving this particular someone painful for you?

Do you constantly believe if you were loved by “the right man/woman” you would

no longer feel depressed/lonely/frustrated/sad/angry/hurt/afraid/crazy?
 

Do you tend to be bored with by the “nice guys/girls” who are open, honest and dependable?

If loving any person in your life means you are frequently in pain, then this post will probably be useful to you.

Focus and change your patterns of thought and behaviour which have resulted in you being  in pain –

 

Those of us who love TOO much are among the precious, generous-hearted ones –

We are among those who have a lot to give.  

We are among those who give more than we are able to give, and reach our “empty” “overdrawn.”  And we still try to give more!

 Do you obsess (negatively or positively) about your relationship?

Do you feel helpless as you recognize the extent of the problems in your relationship?
Are you “nice” or do you lie to cover up, smooth over, what is happening in your relationship?
Do you avoid some, or all, people to hide the abuse/pain/problems in your relationship?
Have you repeatedly try to “fix” your relationship - solve/direct/control your relationship?
Are you frequently frustrated, moody, sad, hurt, afraid, tearful?
Are you  angry, depressed, guilty and resentful?
Do you catch yourself saying or being irrational/insane/desperate?
Do you feel tempted to be violent?  (ARE you violent?)
Do you feel spaced out?  Are you preoccupied, do you stumble and have accidents?
Do you feel self-hate/loathing/frustration?
Do you justify yourself and your behaviour – think you know the answers/see the real picture?
Are you mentally and/or physically in pain/ill due to your stressful relationship?

Here are some RESEARCHED and TRUSTED things you might want to work on:

And work on again when you forget them in the future!

Admit your pain and helplessness to control yourself and others

Cease to blame yourself, anyone else, or any circumstances, for your pain
Focus on healing and maintaining yourself.  Work primarily on your own actions – for now
Seek help from carefully selected professionals and peers for your gradual recovery - from loving TOO much for you - over time
Acknowledge and deal with all your feelings – don’t avoid, don’t deny, don’t wallow in them
Build a close and reliable circle of more presently mentally and relationally healthy mentors
Develop your own healthy interests – become more fully yourself, your precious, unique self

These steps below (to achieve the above) are simple.  They are not easy.  They are worthwhile. 

These steps will help you along to greater spiritual, mental, physical and relational balance, health.
These steps are all equally important.  They are listed in the most chronologically typical order:

 1         Go for help - to trusted and wise professionals and/or peers or others

 2         Make your own recovery your first priority – for now

 3         Find a support group of three or more gentle and non-judgmental people

 4         Develop your spiritual side through disciplined daily spiritual practice

 5         Stop “managing” and “controlling” others (Except for the safety of the very young)

 6         Learn to recognize and avoid “bait” offered by others – don’t get “hooked”

 7         Courageously face and deal with your unskilled-ness, shortcomings and challenges

 8         Cultivate whatever knowledge and skills you need to develop in yourself

 9         Become “self-managing” – be responsible only for how you behave wherever you are

10         Share with others what you have experienced and learned about yourself – in due time

            “When thou art converted, stay converted.”  Strengthen others only as you are able

            “You can stay as you are for the rest of your life… or you can change…”

Thank you:  Robin Norwood 7/08