Growing Older - Life Lessons

Regina Brett - 

"45 lessons life taught me 

– updated to 50 when I turned 50.”

1.   Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2.   When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3.   Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4.   Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5.   Pay off your credit cards every month.
6.   You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7.   Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8.   It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9.   Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion.  Today is special.

22. Over-prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.

50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Life Can Be Very Difficult

The truth is that life can be very difficult at times. There can be a lot of pressure to keep it all together, to be smart and beautiful, to be so good and perfect. But sometimes we don't have it together at all. Sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes we don't feel good or look our best. Sometimes things are not good at all and we feel miserable, lonely or depressed. If you have lost your way and feel down, that feeling belongs to you. If you feel miserable — it's yours, and no one should take it away from you. Maybe things really aren't very good at all right now. Maybe you have good reasons to be depressed, and the last thing you need is someone telling you to be happy.

But one thing you do need, is at least the respect from others to let you sit with your valid feelings. You don't always need a cheerleader, but just someone to be a friend and acknowledge where you really are, and how you really feel. Real problems can't be fixed with a motivational poster, a cute quote or a pat on the back. While you are in your pain, it does not matter how intrinsically special you are, or how beautiful life is, or how precious each moment is — if you don't accept and respect your suffering, it isn't going anywhere. Submit to your pain; don't suppress your pain. If you can sit with your pain, listen to your pain and respect your pain — in time you will move through your pain.

Pain is like a healing emotional fever. Allow your pain to cleanse you and burn away what needs to die. A new and better you will grow from the ashes. The most important parts of your life will be marked by pain. Some of the most amazing people in the world were not perfect; they were scarred by suffering, hardships, losses and imperfections. But, when they recovered, they were stronger, wiser, and more loving and compassionate. Your life is going to get better in the proper time, and you will be stronger and more at peace than ever before. Out of our suffering we emerge. Our struggles are really our only hope. Stay strong.

Bryant McGill

Dance the Dance

"Dance the dance of empowering one another."
"Spread your radiance."

Sheila Kelley

Mom Support Groups

I'm reading "Mothers of the Bible" by Dena Dyer - lent to me by my friend Angela Simon

"Every mom needs her own support system.  Fellow moms and older more experienced mothers provide conversation, fellowship, and sanity breaks in the midst of raising children."
Dena Dyer

Some ideas:  quilting circles, potluck suppers, front porch gatherers, MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers), Moms in Touch, MAW (Mothers and Wives), Moms and Tots, Dessert Club, Breastfeeding Group, play-dates, Mommies Pamper Parties, Grandmother (or substitute) visits, Mom and Toddler Gymnastics,  picnics, playpark conversations, a class at a local college, an on-line course of study, music lessons, singing lessons, Relief Society, Simple Excursions, Mommies Movie Morning, Jigsaw Puzzlers, Primary, and many others. 

Let your imaginations flow...  Let the Wisest Part of You talk to the Overwhelmed Part of You.  Listen.  The Wisest Part of You knows what the other parts of You will be profited by.

Start one?  Keep is simple enough.  Share the responsibility.  Keep it nurturing for those attending.  Be nurtured by those attending.  Let your group grow and have a life of its own - you don't need to control it.

"As you begin to connect with other women who understand your unique situation, you won't feel so alone any more, and you'll realise that you're doing a better job than you thought after all."
Dena Dyer

My Manager and Me

From Gretchen Rubin - The Happiness Project:

WHY I CONSULT MY MANAGER, AND WHY SHE ALWAYS TAKES MY CALLS.

 Do you sometimes feel as if you’re two people? For a long time, I struggled to identify the metaphor to describe the tension between my two selves—between now-Gretchen and future-Gretchen, between the want-self and should-self. Is it Jeckyll and Hyde? The angel and devil on my shoulders? The elephant and the rider? The ego, the id, and the super-ego?

Then in a flash, I saw how to think about the two Gretchens, and how to think of myself in the third person, as a way better to understand myself and direct my actions. There’s me, Gretchen (now-Gretchen, want-Gretchen), and there’s my manager.

I think I was inspired by my sister’s Hollywood workplace lingo.

Who is my “manager?” Well, I’m (Gretchen) like a fabulous celebrity. I have a manager. I’m lucky, because I have the best manager imaginable. My manager understands my unique situation, interests, quirks, and values, and she’s always thinking about my long-term well-being.

I’m the boss, and I don’t have to take my manager’s advice—but on the other hand, I pay my manager to help me. I’d be an idiot not to pay attention.

These days, when I struggle with something, I ask myself, “What does my manager say?” Often it’s very obvious to my manager what course I should follow, even if I can’t decide (weird right?). It can be a relief to be told what to do; I agree with Andy Warhol, who remarked, “When I think about what sort of person I would most like to have on a retainer, I think it would be a boss. A boss who could tell me what to do, because that makes everything easy when you’re working.”

My manager is the executive who works for me—very appropriate, because my manager is part of my executive function. There’s no need to rebel against my manager, because I am the boss of my manager. (Not to mention, I am the manager.) Out of freedom, I can accept her instruction.

My manager reminds me to follow my good habits: “Gretchen, you feel overwhelmed and angry. Get a good night’s sleep and answer that email in the morning.” “Gretchen, you say you have no energy, but you’ll feel better if you go for a walk.”

My manager stays compassionate. She doesn’t say things like, “You’ll never be able to finish,” or “You’re lazy.”  She’s comforting and encouraging, and says things like, “It happens,” “We’ve all done it” and “Enjoy the fun of failure.”

My manager stands up for me when other people are too demanding. She insists that my idiosyncratic needs must be met; just as Van Halen famously insisted on bowls of M&Ms backstage with all the brown ones removed, my manager says, “Gretchen really feels the cold, so she can’t be outside too long.” “Gretchen is writing her new book now, so she can’t give a lengthy response to that email.”

She makes claims on my behalf: “Let’s figure out how to get you what you need,” “Let’s throw money at the problem.” On the other hand, she doesn’t accept excuses like, “This doesn’t count” or “Everyone else is doing it.” She tells me uncomfortable truths. I can’t sneak anything past my manager, because she sees everything I do.

As an Upholder* however, I’ve learned to be a bit wary of my manager. I love my manager, but I know how she thinks. She’s very impressed by credentials, legitimacy, and pay-off. She’s sometimes so focused on my long-term advantages that she forgets that I need to have a little fun, right now. My manager is helpful, but in the end, I’m the one who must “Be Gretchen.”

How about you? Do you think it would be helpful to think about your “manager?”

Gretchen Rubin

*Upholder—accepts rules, whether from outside or inside. An upholder meets deadlines, follows doctor’s order, keeps a New Year’s resolution.

Questioner—questions rules and accepts them only if they make sense. They may choose to follow rules, or not, according to their judgment.

Rebel—flouts rules, from outside or inside. They resist control. Give a rebel a rule, and the rebel will want to do the very opposite thing.

Obliger—accepts outside rules, but doesn’t like to adopt self-imposed rules.

 

 

I am Free to Choose

"Know this, that every soul is free to choose his (her) life and what he'll (she'll) be."

If you don't like the choices someone else is making...

tell them in the best way you can.

If they persist in making their choices in ways that make you feel angry, sad,

hurt, afraid, frustrated... disconnect from them emotionally.

Find yourself, however long it takes.

Find your truth about this relationship.

Connect with who you are, and who you want to be.

Be fixed in your own purpose.

Live your life, make your own choices for your own good.

If he/she can be a part of your life, reconnect with him/her only in ways you can.

Final and sometimes very difficult choice - let him/her go on their way –

free to choose what they want to choose - without the blessing of you in their life.

Go on your own way, the way you want to live, with the people

you are happy to be around, and the ones who are happy to have you around,

AND are good for you.

No choice is ever simple.

You leave their bad, you also leave their good.

They forfeit your good, they also are relieved of your bad.

Hey LIFE! What a learning experience!

Blessed April 2013 to all of us!

When You Feel Lonely

I like what Martha Beck has to say about Loneliness:

At times in my life, I have felt utterly lonely. At other times, I’ve had disgusting infectious diseases. Try admitting these things in our culture, and you’ll find they evoke identical responses: Listeners cringe with a mixture of pity, revulsion, and alarm. In a culture where everyone wants a happy family and a sizzling relationship, the phrase “I’m lonely” rings like the medieval leper’s shout of “Unclean! Unclean!”

Fortunately, we now treat disease not by isolating its victims, but by diagnosing and healing them. Finding those who can comprehend the emptiness of your heart, diagnosing and ameliorating its ailments, can keep you productively engaged when your loneliness is at its worst.

The Time-Tested BLD System

Allow me to introduce the Beck Loneliness Diagnostic System, which is based on years of research I’ve conducted by brooding about my own problems during bouts of emotional eating. My system divides loneliness into three categories—absolute, separation, and existential—each of which has different remedies. I prescribe two courses of action for each type: quick fixes (to feel better immediately) and long-term solutions (to banish it for good).

Type 1: Absolute Loneliness

This malady occurs when we believe, rightly or wrongly, that there is no one who understands us and no one who wants to. Absolutely lonely people have few personal interactions of any kind. Isolation creates indescribable despair, for which typical self-help advice—”Have a bubble bath! Try aromatherapy!”—is ridiculously inadequate. The only saving grace of this state is that it often hurts enough to motivate people to try the following prescriptions.

Quick Fix

Basic human contact—the meeting of eyes, the exchanging of words—is to the psyche what oxygen is to the brain. If you’re feeling abandoned by the world, interact with anyone you can—today. If you can afford it, hire a good therapist; if you can’t, hire a bad one. Attend a 12-step group, claiming codependency if you have no addictions. Sift wheat from chaff later—right now, it’s “Hail, fellow! Well met.”

Long-Term Solution

If you’re living completely on your own, you must find understanding somewhere, somehow. No matter how scary it is to learn and use social skills, absolute loneliness is scarier. The best method to break out of solitary confinement is to seek to understand others, and help them understand you.

A simple three-step communication strategy is the most effective way to accomplish this. When you meet people, show real appreciation, then genuine curiosity; offer an honest compliment (step 1) followed by a question (step 2). Say “Cool hat. Where’d you get it?” Most often this approach will result in a brief, pleasant chat. Occasionally, though, someone will answer in such an interesting or charming way that you’ll want to respond by volunteering information about yourself (step 3), such as “I can’t wear hats—they make me look like a mongoose.” Repeat these three steps, and you’ll gradually connect at deeper and deeper levels.

The key word is gradually. Understanding is a dance of seven veils in which strangers take turns revealing a little more about themselves—not everything at once. Be patient, and the three-step combo can take you all the way from discussions of headgear to conversations like “You’re amazing. Shall we get married?”

Type 2: Separation Loneliness

If you force yourself to communicate with people appreciatively and curiously, you’ll eventually emerge from absolute loneliness. However, you’ll still experience what I call separation loneliness. Traveling, empty nesting, and almost any job will distance you from friends and family. Only since the Industrial Revolution have most people worked in places away from their homes or been left to raise small children without the help of multiple adults, making for an unsupported life.

Quick Fix

Use separations to remind yourself how wonderful it is that you have people to miss. Solo time can motivate you to demonstrate that love. Focus on communication over distance. Tell interesting stories on the phone or in an e-mail about your day. Let your favorite people see life through your eyes. Ask them about what they’ve been experiencing, and listen or read with total concentration. You’ll come to know one another in new ways, and absence really will make your hearts grow fonder. Once that’s done, I recommend finding understanding by doing what the song says: If you can’t be with the one you love…love the one you’re with. Use your appreciation-curiosity-openness combo on the folks around you.

Long-Term Solution

This remedy requires facing some hard choices. If you’re continuously aching to be with people you never see, the rewards of your career or nifty home in the exurbs may not make up for the sacrifice. Many of my clients decide that their horrible jobs aren’t worth forfeiting years with their family. Others stop hanging out with people—even relatives—who drain them, in order to be with those who inspire them. You don’t have to make such decisions immediately, but you do have to make them. Every day brings new choices. If you want to end your isolation, you must be honest about what you want at a core level and decide to go after it.

Type 3: Existential Loneliness

The final type of estrangement is a bedrock fact of the human condition: the hollowness we feel when we realize no one can help us face the moments when we are most bereft. No one else can take risks for us, or face our losses on our behalf, or give us self-esteem. No one can spare us from life’s slings and arrows, and when death comes, we meet it alone. That is simply the way of things, and after a while, we may see it’s not so bad. In fact, existential loneliness, the great burden of human consciousness, is also its great gift—if we give it the right treatment.

Quick Fix

One word—art. In the face of great sorrow or joy, love or loss, many human beings who went before me learned to express themselves sublimely through clumsy physical things: paint, clay, words, the movement of their bodies. They created works of art that remind me I am not alone in feeling alone. Seeking the company of people who have learned to transcend the isolation of an individual life, who have felt as I feel and managed to express it, is the best treatment I’ve found for existential loneliness. (Notice that this advice is the opposite of the quick fix for “absolute” loneliness; you may need both prescriptions.) Make your own artistic connections. Read novels, listen to samba, watch documentaries: Seek art from every time and place, in any form, to connect with those who really move you.

Long-Term Solution

Same word—art. The quick fix is to appreciate others’ artistry; the real deal requires that you, yourself, become an artist. I’m not asking you to rival Picasso or Mozart, but I would challenge you to think the way they thought, to put aside convention and embarrassment and do whatever it takes to convey your essential self. Use anything you can think of to understand and be understood, and you’ll discover the creativity that connects you with others.

If you begin to apply these prescriptions, whether by drumming up the courage to connect, choosing a moment of love over a moment of work, or creating something as silly as a bad cartoon, you’ll soon find yourself stumbling across beauty and communion. Loneliness, far from revealing some defect, is proof that your innate search for connection is intact. So instead of hiding your loneliness, bring it into the light. Honor it. Treat it. Heal it. You’ll find that it returns the favor.

Thank you: Martha Beck - 11.05.2012 www.marthabeck.com

Joyous Life

"If we want a joyous life we must think joyous thoughts"
Louise Hay

Protect myself...

A good question to ask regularly:

"What can I do to protect myself from foolishness and confusion?"

Soweto Stake Speaker - Florida Ward Sunday June 24th, 2012

Live Deeply

Embrace new experiences: go beyond your comfort zone.  New experiences are life. Live deeply. Be who you are: What are your dreams? Your goals? Your loves? Who are you? Be that person.. Let Go of the Past: The past is good for two things: the happy memories, and the lessons it provides. Forgive. Let go. Be here now, and go forward. Be Kind: Recall those many times where you made mistakes, where you reacted out of negative emotions instead of responding from who you really are. Recall how you felt, or how you would have felt, if others responded to your mistakes with kindness instead of harsh criticism or a cold shoulder. Empathize, and choose to be kind. Be responsible for yourself: Whatever happens, only one person is responsible for how you respond to it: you.. You wish others were a certain way? You wish the world were a certain way? Be the example. Nurture relationships: Think of your most joyful moments. Think of all you have learned. Think of what has helped you grow. Chances are great these all involve other people, and other relations such as pets and nature too. You can choose to be lonely, but you are never alone. Recognize all you have and be grateful for it: If you are alive, if you can read this, if you can walk, talk, see, smell, taste, or feel, you are fortunate. Focus on all that you do have. Be grateful to be great. Do what inspires you: Painting, singing, writing, biking, swimming, gardening, reading, dancing, walking-what is your flame? What ignites you, inspires you, enlightens you, restores your life? Do it, and do it often. Remember that happiness is a state, not a circumstance: Happiness is a state of being, not merely a moment of pleasure or joy. By committing to your happiness you acknowledge and accept that there will be times of challenge and suffering, but by staying true to who you are you will not just endure but thrive. by Brian Vaszily, Founder of IntenseExperiences.com

Kaizin

"Do the right things.
Act with integrity.
Be guided by your cleansed heart..
Live a simple life."

Kaizin = Constant and Never-ending Improvement

Question and Answer

Gretchen Rubin: Do you work on being happier? If so, how?

Gabriella Blair:

I guess I work hard on anything that's important to me, and happiness tops every list. Over the past few years, I've realized how much of me feeling happy is a choice. I'm still just figuring it out, but I try my best to make that choice every hour of every day. When I'm feeling negative emotions, I take responsibility for them and acknowledge that I can actively choose to feel happier that very minute. That very minute! How empowering is that?

I can usually create a clean slate in my mind if I sit still for a moment and offer up a quick, silent prayer. I try to envision how I would be behaving if I was happy. Then I do my best to behave that way. It sounds simple, but most of the best ideas in life are!

Really, life is so much more enjoyable when I'm happy. It makes my skin glow, too.

(from: Gretchen Rubin's Blog "The Happiness Project") www.happiness-project.com

What I Think

"How can I know what I think until I hear what I say?"
Radio Pulpit

Be Satisfied

"Just be satisfied to do what you can do."
Grace Bell

Potential

"When you are not meeting your potential you get depressed."
Source unrecorded

Inch by Inch

"Inch by inch you get to create a new life for yourself."
Previously homeless Harvard University graduate - Liz, interviewed on the Oprah Show.

Affirmations

I love these affirmations - they help me:

"I trust life to unfold before me in positive ways."
"It is safe to love myself."
"I allow sweetness to fill my life."
"I open myself to joy and love."
"I see myself as beautiful, loveable, appreciated."
"I am proud to be me."
"I will nourish myself."
"I release my past."
"I claim my good now."
"I bring my life into balance by loving myself."
"I open myself to be healed."
"I claim mental health,"
"I claim spiritual health."
"I enjoy my life."

Lemons and Pain

"Turn lemons into lemonade and pain into purpose."
Fran Dreschner

Remember Yourself Too!

"I do so much for everybody else - I just forgot to put myself in there somewhere.
I could stay in bed and feel sorry for myself... or go out, sing my heart out, get a standing ovation, and get a pay cheque."
Wynonna Judd

My Ten Worders

I’ll go where you want me to go, dear Lord.
I’ll do what you want me to do, dear Lord.
I’ll be what you want me to be, dear Lord.