Those of Us Who Love TOO Much

This post is about adult relationships...

 

We sacrifice, and frequently suffer, for our children. 

We learn how to and put ourselves out for those who are amongst the weak and vulnerable of this world.

Are YOU loving more than YOU are able to love?

Then YOU are loving TOO MUCH for YOU.

Yes, we need to grow in loving...
We need to learn how to love better...
This takes time - much time.
And we need to be authentic too...
We simply cannot sustain loving TOO much - for us, and/or for the person we are loving.
We will burn out and become bitter, blaming, ineffective and harming - to ourselves and the other/others..

 

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Is "having someone to love” the most important thing to you?

Is loving this particular someone painful for you?

Do you constantly believe if you were loved by “the right man/woman” you would

no longer feel depressed/lonely/frustrated/sad/angry/hurt/afraid/crazy?
 

Do you tend to be bored with by the “nice guys/girls” who are open, honest and dependable?

If loving any person in your life means you are frequently in pain, then this post will probably be useful to you.

Focus and change your patterns of thought and behaviour which have resulted in you being  in pain –

 

Those of us who love TOO much are among the precious, generous-hearted ones –

We are among those who have a lot to give.  

We are among those who give more than we are able to give, and reach our “empty” “overdrawn.”  And we still try to give more!

 Do you obsess (negatively or positively) about your relationship?

Do you feel helpless as you recognize the extent of the problems in your relationship?
Are you “nice” or do you lie to cover up, smooth over, what is happening in your relationship?
Do you avoid some, or all, people to hide the abuse/pain/problems in your relationship?
Have you repeatedly try to “fix” your relationship - solve/direct/control your relationship?
Are you frequently frustrated, moody, sad, hurt, afraid, tearful?
Are you  angry, depressed, guilty and resentful?
Do you catch yourself saying or being irrational/insane/desperate?
Do you feel tempted to be violent?  (ARE you violent?)
Do you feel spaced out?  Are you preoccupied, do you stumble and have accidents?
Do you feel self-hate/loathing/frustration?
Do you justify yourself and your behaviour – think you know the answers/see the real picture?
Are you mentally and/or physically in pain/ill due to your stressful relationship?

Here are some RESEARCHED and TRUSTED things you might want to work on:

And work on again when you forget them in the future!

Admit your pain and helplessness to control yourself and others

Cease to blame yourself, anyone else, or any circumstances, for your pain
Focus on healing and maintaining yourself.  Work primarily on your own actions – for now
Seek help from carefully selected professionals and peers for your gradual recovery - from loving TOO much for you - over time
Acknowledge and deal with all your feelings – don’t avoid, don’t deny, don’t wallow in them
Build a close and reliable circle of more presently mentally and relationally healthy mentors
Develop your own healthy interests – become more fully yourself, your precious, unique self

These steps below (to achieve the above) are simple.  They are not easy.  They are worthwhile. 

These steps will help you along to greater spiritual, mental, physical and relational balance, health.
These steps are all equally important.  They are listed in the most chronologically typical order:

 1         Go for help - to trusted and wise professionals and/or peers or others

 2         Make your own recovery your first priority – for now

 3         Find a support group of three or more gentle and non-judgmental people

 4         Develop your spiritual side through disciplined daily spiritual practice

 5         Stop “managing” and “controlling” others (Except for the safety of the very young)

 6         Learn to recognize and avoid “bait” offered by others – don’t get “hooked”

 7         Courageously face and deal with your unskilled-ness, shortcomings and challenges

 8         Cultivate whatever knowledge and skills you need to develop in yourself

 9         Become “self-managing” – be responsible only for how you behave wherever you are

10         Share with others what you have experienced and learned about yourself – in due time

            “When thou art converted, stay converted.”  Strengthen others only as you are able

            “You can stay as you are for the rest of your life… or you can change…”

Thank you:  Robin Norwood 7/08

 

I am Free to Choose

"Know this, that every soul is free to choose his (her) life and what he'll (she'll) be."

If you don't like the choices someone else is making...

tell them in the best way you can.

If they persist in making their choices in ways that make you feel angry, sad,

hurt, afraid, frustrated... disconnect from them emotionally.

Find yourself, however long it takes.

Find your truth about this relationship.

Connect with who you are, and who you want to be.

Be fixed in your own purpose.

Live your life, make your own choices for your own good.

If he/she can be a part of your life, reconnect with him/her only in ways you can.

Final and sometimes very difficult choice - let him/her go on their way –

free to choose what they want to choose - without the blessing of you in their life.

Go on your own way, the way you want to live, with the people

you are happy to be around, and the ones who are happy to have you around,

AND are good for you.

No choice is ever simple.

You leave their bad, you also leave their good.

They forfeit your good, they also are relieved of your bad.

Hey LIFE! What a learning experience!

Blessed April 2013 to all of us!