Dance the Dance

"Dance the dance of empowering one another."
"Spread your radiance."

Sheila Kelley

Mom Support Groups

I'm reading "Mothers of the Bible" by Dena Dyer - lent to me by my friend Angela Simon

"Every mom needs her own support system.  Fellow moms and older more experienced mothers provide conversation, fellowship, and sanity breaks in the midst of raising children."
Dena Dyer

Some ideas:  quilting circles, potluck suppers, front porch gatherers, MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers), Moms in Touch, MAW (Mothers and Wives), Moms and Tots, Dessert Club, Breastfeeding Group, play-dates, Mommies Pamper Parties, Grandmother (or substitute) visits, Mom and Toddler Gymnastics,  picnics, playpark conversations, a class at a local college, an on-line course of study, music lessons, singing lessons, Relief Society, Simple Excursions, Mommies Movie Morning, Jigsaw Puzzlers, Primary, and many others. 

Let your imaginations flow...  Let the Wisest Part of You talk to the Overwhelmed Part of You.  Listen.  The Wisest Part of You knows what the other parts of You will be profited by.

Start one?  Keep is simple enough.  Share the responsibility.  Keep it nurturing for those attending.  Be nurtured by those attending.  Let your group grow and have a life of its own - you don't need to control it.

"As you begin to connect with other women who understand your unique situation, you won't feel so alone any more, and you'll realise that you're doing a better job than you thought after all."
Dena Dyer

My Manager and Me

From Gretchen Rubin - The Happiness Project:

WHY I CONSULT MY MANAGER, AND WHY SHE ALWAYS TAKES MY CALLS.

 Do you sometimes feel as if you’re two people? For a long time, I struggled to identify the metaphor to describe the tension between my two selves—between now-Gretchen and future-Gretchen, between the want-self and should-self. Is it Jeckyll and Hyde? The angel and devil on my shoulders? The elephant and the rider? The ego, the id, and the super-ego?

Then in a flash, I saw how to think about the two Gretchens, and how to think of myself in the third person, as a way better to understand myself and direct my actions. There’s me, Gretchen (now-Gretchen, want-Gretchen), and there’s my manager.

I think I was inspired by my sister’s Hollywood workplace lingo.

Who is my “manager?” Well, I’m (Gretchen) like a fabulous celebrity. I have a manager. I’m lucky, because I have the best manager imaginable. My manager understands my unique situation, interests, quirks, and values, and she’s always thinking about my long-term well-being.

I’m the boss, and I don’t have to take my manager’s advice—but on the other hand, I pay my manager to help me. I’d be an idiot not to pay attention.

These days, when I struggle with something, I ask myself, “What does my manager say?” Often it’s very obvious to my manager what course I should follow, even if I can’t decide (weird right?). It can be a relief to be told what to do; I agree with Andy Warhol, who remarked, “When I think about what sort of person I would most like to have on a retainer, I think it would be a boss. A boss who could tell me what to do, because that makes everything easy when you’re working.”

My manager is the executive who works for me—very appropriate, because my manager is part of my executive function. There’s no need to rebel against my manager, because I am the boss of my manager. (Not to mention, I am the manager.) Out of freedom, I can accept her instruction.

My manager reminds me to follow my good habits: “Gretchen, you feel overwhelmed and angry. Get a good night’s sleep and answer that email in the morning.” “Gretchen, you say you have no energy, but you’ll feel better if you go for a walk.”

My manager stays compassionate. She doesn’t say things like, “You’ll never be able to finish,” or “You’re lazy.”  She’s comforting and encouraging, and says things like, “It happens,” “We’ve all done it” and “Enjoy the fun of failure.”

My manager stands up for me when other people are too demanding. She insists that my idiosyncratic needs must be met; just as Van Halen famously insisted on bowls of M&Ms backstage with all the brown ones removed, my manager says, “Gretchen really feels the cold, so she can’t be outside too long.” “Gretchen is writing her new book now, so she can’t give a lengthy response to that email.”

She makes claims on my behalf: “Let’s figure out how to get you what you need,” “Let’s throw money at the problem.” On the other hand, she doesn’t accept excuses like, “This doesn’t count” or “Everyone else is doing it.” She tells me uncomfortable truths. I can’t sneak anything past my manager, because she sees everything I do.

As an Upholder* however, I’ve learned to be a bit wary of my manager. I love my manager, but I know how she thinks. She’s very impressed by credentials, legitimacy, and pay-off. She’s sometimes so focused on my long-term advantages that she forgets that I need to have a little fun, right now. My manager is helpful, but in the end, I’m the one who must “Be Gretchen.”

How about you? Do you think it would be helpful to think about your “manager?”

Gretchen Rubin

*Upholder—accepts rules, whether from outside or inside. An upholder meets deadlines, follows doctor’s order, keeps a New Year’s resolution.

Questioner—questions rules and accepts them only if they make sense. They may choose to follow rules, or not, according to their judgment.

Rebel—flouts rules, from outside or inside. They resist control. Give a rebel a rule, and the rebel will want to do the very opposite thing.

Obliger—accepts outside rules, but doesn’t like to adopt self-imposed rules.

 

 

Those of Us Who Love TOO Much

This post is about adult relationships...

 

We sacrifice, and frequently suffer, for our children. 

We learn how to and put ourselves out for those who are amongst the weak and vulnerable of this world.

Are YOU loving more than YOU are able to love?

Then YOU are loving TOO MUCH for YOU.

Yes, we need to grow in loving...
We need to learn how to love better...
This takes time - much time.
And we need to be authentic too...
We simply cannot sustain loving TOO much - for us, and/or for the person we are loving.
We will burn out and become bitter, blaming, ineffective and harming - to ourselves and the other/others..

 

*********************************************************************************************************

 

Is "having someone to love” the most important thing to you?

Is loving this particular someone painful for you?

Do you constantly believe if you were loved by “the right man/woman” you would

no longer feel depressed/lonely/frustrated/sad/angry/hurt/afraid/crazy?
 

Do you tend to be bored with by the “nice guys/girls” who are open, honest and dependable?

If loving any person in your life means you are frequently in pain, then this post will probably be useful to you.

Focus and change your patterns of thought and behaviour which have resulted in you being  in pain –

 

Those of us who love TOO much are among the precious, generous-hearted ones –

We are among those who have a lot to give.  

We are among those who give more than we are able to give, and reach our “empty” “overdrawn.”  And we still try to give more!

 Do you obsess (negatively or positively) about your relationship?

Do you feel helpless as you recognize the extent of the problems in your relationship?
Are you “nice” or do you lie to cover up, smooth over, what is happening in your relationship?
Do you avoid some, or all, people to hide the abuse/pain/problems in your relationship?
Have you repeatedly try to “fix” your relationship - solve/direct/control your relationship?
Are you frequently frustrated, moody, sad, hurt, afraid, tearful?
Are you  angry, depressed, guilty and resentful?
Do you catch yourself saying or being irrational/insane/desperate?
Do you feel tempted to be violent?  (ARE you violent?)
Do you feel spaced out?  Are you preoccupied, do you stumble and have accidents?
Do you feel self-hate/loathing/frustration?
Do you justify yourself and your behaviour – think you know the answers/see the real picture?
Are you mentally and/or physically in pain/ill due to your stressful relationship?

Here are some RESEARCHED and TRUSTED things you might want to work on:

And work on again when you forget them in the future!

Admit your pain and helplessness to control yourself and others

Cease to blame yourself, anyone else, or any circumstances, for your pain
Focus on healing and maintaining yourself.  Work primarily on your own actions – for now
Seek help from carefully selected professionals and peers for your gradual recovery - from loving TOO much for you - over time
Acknowledge and deal with all your feelings – don’t avoid, don’t deny, don’t wallow in them
Build a close and reliable circle of more presently mentally and relationally healthy mentors
Develop your own healthy interests – become more fully yourself, your precious, unique self

These steps below (to achieve the above) are simple.  They are not easy.  They are worthwhile. 

These steps will help you along to greater spiritual, mental, physical and relational balance, health.
These steps are all equally important.  They are listed in the most chronologically typical order:

 1         Go for help - to trusted and wise professionals and/or peers or others

 2         Make your own recovery your first priority – for now

 3         Find a support group of three or more gentle and non-judgmental people

 4         Develop your spiritual side through disciplined daily spiritual practice

 5         Stop “managing” and “controlling” others (Except for the safety of the very young)

 6         Learn to recognize and avoid “bait” offered by others – don’t get “hooked”

 7         Courageously face and deal with your unskilled-ness, shortcomings and challenges

 8         Cultivate whatever knowledge and skills you need to develop in yourself

 9         Become “self-managing” – be responsible only for how you behave wherever you are

10         Share with others what you have experienced and learned about yourself – in due time

            “When thou art converted, stay converted.”  Strengthen others only as you are able

            “You can stay as you are for the rest of your life… or you can change…”

Thank you:  Robin Norwood 7/08

 

I am Free to Choose

"Know this, that every soul is free to choose his (her) life and what he'll (she'll) be."

If you don't like the choices someone else is making...

tell them in the best way you can.

If they persist in making their choices in ways that make you feel angry, sad,

hurt, afraid, frustrated... disconnect from them emotionally.

Find yourself, however long it takes.

Find your truth about this relationship.

Connect with who you are, and who you want to be.

Be fixed in your own purpose.

Live your life, make your own choices for your own good.

If he/she can be a part of your life, reconnect with him/her only in ways you can.

Final and sometimes very difficult choice - let him/her go on their way –

free to choose what they want to choose - without the blessing of you in their life.

Go on your own way, the way you want to live, with the people

you are happy to be around, and the ones who are happy to have you around,

AND are good for you.

No choice is ever simple.

You leave their bad, you also leave their good.

They forfeit your good, they also are relieved of your bad.

Hey LIFE! What a learning experience!

Blessed April 2013 to all of us!

When You Feel Lonely

I like what Martha Beck has to say about Loneliness:

At times in my life, I have felt utterly lonely. At other times, I’ve had disgusting infectious diseases. Try admitting these things in our culture, and you’ll find they evoke identical responses: Listeners cringe with a mixture of pity, revulsion, and alarm. In a culture where everyone wants a happy family and a sizzling relationship, the phrase “I’m lonely” rings like the medieval leper’s shout of “Unclean! Unclean!”

Fortunately, we now treat disease not by isolating its victims, but by diagnosing and healing them. Finding those who can comprehend the emptiness of your heart, diagnosing and ameliorating its ailments, can keep you productively engaged when your loneliness is at its worst.

The Time-Tested BLD System

Allow me to introduce the Beck Loneliness Diagnostic System, which is based on years of research I’ve conducted by brooding about my own problems during bouts of emotional eating. My system divides loneliness into three categories—absolute, separation, and existential—each of which has different remedies. I prescribe two courses of action for each type: quick fixes (to feel better immediately) and long-term solutions (to banish it for good).

Type 1: Absolute Loneliness

This malady occurs when we believe, rightly or wrongly, that there is no one who understands us and no one who wants to. Absolutely lonely people have few personal interactions of any kind. Isolation creates indescribable despair, for which typical self-help advice—”Have a bubble bath! Try aromatherapy!”—is ridiculously inadequate. The only saving grace of this state is that it often hurts enough to motivate people to try the following prescriptions.

Quick Fix

Basic human contact—the meeting of eyes, the exchanging of words—is to the psyche what oxygen is to the brain. If you’re feeling abandoned by the world, interact with anyone you can—today. If you can afford it, hire a good therapist; if you can’t, hire a bad one. Attend a 12-step group, claiming codependency if you have no addictions. Sift wheat from chaff later—right now, it’s “Hail, fellow! Well met.”

Long-Term Solution

If you’re living completely on your own, you must find understanding somewhere, somehow. No matter how scary it is to learn and use social skills, absolute loneliness is scarier. The best method to break out of solitary confinement is to seek to understand others, and help them understand you.

A simple three-step communication strategy is the most effective way to accomplish this. When you meet people, show real appreciation, then genuine curiosity; offer an honest compliment (step 1) followed by a question (step 2). Say “Cool hat. Where’d you get it?” Most often this approach will result in a brief, pleasant chat. Occasionally, though, someone will answer in such an interesting or charming way that you’ll want to respond by volunteering information about yourself (step 3), such as “I can’t wear hats—they make me look like a mongoose.” Repeat these three steps, and you’ll gradually connect at deeper and deeper levels.

The key word is gradually. Understanding is a dance of seven veils in which strangers take turns revealing a little more about themselves—not everything at once. Be patient, and the three-step combo can take you all the way from discussions of headgear to conversations like “You’re amazing. Shall we get married?”

Type 2: Separation Loneliness

If you force yourself to communicate with people appreciatively and curiously, you’ll eventually emerge from absolute loneliness. However, you’ll still experience what I call separation loneliness. Traveling, empty nesting, and almost any job will distance you from friends and family. Only since the Industrial Revolution have most people worked in places away from their homes or been left to raise small children without the help of multiple adults, making for an unsupported life.

Quick Fix

Use separations to remind yourself how wonderful it is that you have people to miss. Solo time can motivate you to demonstrate that love. Focus on communication over distance. Tell interesting stories on the phone or in an e-mail about your day. Let your favorite people see life through your eyes. Ask them about what they’ve been experiencing, and listen or read with total concentration. You’ll come to know one another in new ways, and absence really will make your hearts grow fonder. Once that’s done, I recommend finding understanding by doing what the song says: If you can’t be with the one you love…love the one you’re with. Use your appreciation-curiosity-openness combo on the folks around you.

Long-Term Solution

This remedy requires facing some hard choices. If you’re continuously aching to be with people you never see, the rewards of your career or nifty home in the exurbs may not make up for the sacrifice. Many of my clients decide that their horrible jobs aren’t worth forfeiting years with their family. Others stop hanging out with people—even relatives—who drain them, in order to be with those who inspire them. You don’t have to make such decisions immediately, but you do have to make them. Every day brings new choices. If you want to end your isolation, you must be honest about what you want at a core level and decide to go after it.

Type 3: Existential Loneliness

The final type of estrangement is a bedrock fact of the human condition: the hollowness we feel when we realize no one can help us face the moments when we are most bereft. No one else can take risks for us, or face our losses on our behalf, or give us self-esteem. No one can spare us from life’s slings and arrows, and when death comes, we meet it alone. That is simply the way of things, and after a while, we may see it’s not so bad. In fact, existential loneliness, the great burden of human consciousness, is also its great gift—if we give it the right treatment.

Quick Fix

One word—art. In the face of great sorrow or joy, love or loss, many human beings who went before me learned to express themselves sublimely through clumsy physical things: paint, clay, words, the movement of their bodies. They created works of art that remind me I am not alone in feeling alone. Seeking the company of people who have learned to transcend the isolation of an individual life, who have felt as I feel and managed to express it, is the best treatment I’ve found for existential loneliness. (Notice that this advice is the opposite of the quick fix for “absolute” loneliness; you may need both prescriptions.) Make your own artistic connections. Read novels, listen to samba, watch documentaries: Seek art from every time and place, in any form, to connect with those who really move you.

Long-Term Solution

Same word—art. The quick fix is to appreciate others’ artistry; the real deal requires that you, yourself, become an artist. I’m not asking you to rival Picasso or Mozart, but I would challenge you to think the way they thought, to put aside convention and embarrassment and do whatever it takes to convey your essential self. Use anything you can think of to understand and be understood, and you’ll discover the creativity that connects you with others.

If you begin to apply these prescriptions, whether by drumming up the courage to connect, choosing a moment of love over a moment of work, or creating something as silly as a bad cartoon, you’ll soon find yourself stumbling across beauty and communion. Loneliness, far from revealing some defect, is proof that your innate search for connection is intact. So instead of hiding your loneliness, bring it into the light. Honor it. Treat it. Heal it. You’ll find that it returns the favor.

Thank you: Martha Beck - 11.05.2012 www.marthabeck.com